


Five Nights at Pretzels: Salter Location

by Mindwriter2000



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrien Agreste Is Sunshine, Akuma Attack, Badass Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, F/M, Friendship, Irony, Marinette Dupain-Cheng Needs a Hug, Parody, ml fandom salt, salt against salt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:54:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23192767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mindwriter2000/pseuds/Mindwriter2000
Summary: How would Marinette handle an akuma that turns all of her friends into alternate-universe versions of themselves?
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Comments: 20
Kudos: 176





	Five Nights at Pretzels: Salter Location

**Author's Note:**

> OMG uwu sorry there's so many errors, I just had to type it up and post it because I got sooo many requests for it ;o;

It was a day like any other. Marinette was crashing into class having barely made the bell. Quite literally! The poor, adorably precious, blue-bell-eyed girl stumbled right into Lila… just in time for the whole class to see! The fashion-designer was humiliated. Of all the things that had to happen, did it have to involve Lila? She knew it was coming, another story twisted perfectly for her classmates. 

But Lila didn’t. Have a believable story that is. “Oh my God, Marinette just got here and already decided to push me!” she shouted. 

“No, that’s not true!” Marinette shouted, looking around at her glaring classmates. The bluenette looked at her only hope, “Adrien?” 

Nino furrowed his eyebrows, looking over at his bro and then back at Marinette, “Woah dude, I’m in the front of the class too… I saw what happened. Like bro, why’d you specifically ask Adrien for help?” he shouted. 

“Yeah, girl,” Alya chimed in, “just because he’s your Prince Charming doesn’t mean you can just use him and hope he’ll come to your rescue!” she shouted. 

“Wha-” Marinette sputtered, “what’s going on?” 

“Why don’t you learn to talk to him first, Stutternette!” Alix shouted. 

Finally, the whole class laughed, even Adrien was chuckling into his hand. Marinette blinked at him sadly. 

Adrien peered up shyly, “Uh, look Marinette… I don’t know what you’re talking about. So, please don’t drag me into your mess? To be honest, I don’t really care if you pushed her or not, but it did kind of look like you pushed her.” 

Various nods of approval came from Marinette’s fellow classmates. 

“What’s gotten into you guys?” Marinette shrank into herself, blinking back tears. Her classmates were acting strange. The floor seemed to move beneath her as she grew faint. Before she could lose herself completely, she felt a nudge from her purse. Tikki was blinking up at her with urgency in her eyes. 

Marinette threw one last look at her classmates before running out into the hallway, hearing more laughter in response. 

“Oh my,” Madame Bustier looked at Marinette, she had been waiting outside the classroom door, “where do you think you’re going?”

“Madame Bustier! Did you see all of that? It’s so strange, it’s like Lila’s got the whole class pinned against me! Even my closest friends! Can you help me?”

“Oh, I saw the whole thing, alright. But I don’t give two damns about you brats, see you in class!” Madame Bustier breezed past Marinette and into the classroom. 

All Marinette could do was blink quietly as she stared at the door. “Tikki…” Marinette leaned on the wall and slid to the ground, “I hope you have a good explanation for this, because I don’t think I can take it much longer.” 

“It’s not a very obvious one, but I think there’s an akuma!” Tikki pointed at something Marinette couldn’t see, “something that looks like a spider web is cutting through the building in different directions!” 

“I’m not sure why I can’t see it, but I believe you, Tikki.” Marinette shot up, “although it might be because I just don’t want to believe anything else…” 

* * *

Ladybug had been out for an hour and hadn’t found any trace of the akuma. Instead, there were crowds of mindless Ladybug-haters, and since they were all innocent civilians, she couldn’t do anything but take each hit they gave her. 

She spun her yo-yo as civilians threw rocks at her, “Where is Chat Noir?!”   
  
“You called, M’Lady?”   
  
Ladybug whirled around and smiled with relief, “Chat!” 

“Sorry,” Chat Noir swayed his hips to the side, “I would have made it sooner except that as soon as I found out, my kwami and I had a conversation about how, according to my kwami... ‘I had to pull my own weight because I was leaving all the work to you’. So I told him I had enough on my plate and that you looked much prettier doing all the work anyway. Doesn’t matter how many times that crazy old man comes to my house, I’m not gonna do what he says if he _begs_ me!” 

“Um…” Ladybug squinted at him, “I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean, but if it’s your way of coping for the fact that Fu has been unfair to you, then I’ll leave you be for now. We’ll talk about that later, the akuma is still out there and I just wanna get this over with.” 

“Yeah, what’s with all these rocks?” Chat Noir pointed at the pile that was gathering at Ladybug’s feet. 

Ladybug raised an eyebrow, “People are being controlled by the akuma, so they hate me now.” 

“Yes, I know, but what about the rocks. Do they hate you too?” 

“No… are you OK, Kitty? They’re literally still being thrown at me.”

“Oohhh, now I get it!” Chat Noir shrugged, “so what are we waiting for? Let’s just get to the akuma.” 

Ladybug looked over at the angry crowd, “I could use a little help first, they don’t seem to be attacking you.” 

“I see, you wanna be nice and snuggled up to me!~” Chat Noir grabbed Ladybug’s waist, putting his back to the crowd. Almost instantly, the rocks stopped flying. “See, there’s no risk at all when I’m your shield, nothing can hurt me!” 

Ladybug snorted, “It’s no time for snuggles, Kitty, but thanks for protecting me.”

“It’s my _pleasure_ , Bugaboo!” Chat Noir purred. He leapt from the ground with Ladybug in his arms, taking her across the rooftops and stopping near Marinette’s home.   
  
“Why are we here?” Ladybug tried not to sound too panicked. 

“I’m pretty sure this is where the akuma is,” Chat Noir’s ear twitched. 

Ladybug’s eyes widened, “Wait, you can see the spider web?” 

“No, I think it’s some sort of invisible magic that only our kwamis can see. But I can hear the webbing every time something gets caught on it. So, I just tracked where all the vibrations were headed.”   
  
She nodded, “Of course! Great job, Kitty!”   
  
“So, you’re satisfied?” he clasped his hands together, “praise me more, please, it’s so hot!” 

Ladybug deadpanned, “Ok, Chat, enough playing around. This is serious.” 

“But I am serious, M’Lady! My hands are constantly itching to touch you because you’re just such a babe!”

She shivered, “Don’t talk about me that way, Chat Noir, it’s making me uncomfortable.” 

“Oh, come _on,_ you know you like it! You never got this upset when I called you ‘Bugaboo’!” 

“That’s different, that’s just teasing, stupid at best… this… this is just creepy,” Ladybug shuffled back a bit. 

“You _wound_ me, Ladybug! I thought you cared about me!” Chat Noir feigned tears as he turned away. 

Ladybug gasped, “Wait a sec… by any chance, does one of the webs sound really close, as if it were attached to you?” 

“Yeah… why?” 

She smiled, “Phew, it’s just because of the akuma again! I’ll get you back to My Sweet Kitty in no time, let’s go take this akuma down.” 

When Ladybug leapt to her balcony, the rotting structure of her home wasn’t the first thing she noticed. Instead, her eyes fell on the brick wall behind her beach chair. She gaped, unable to move. 

A gray, human form sprung from the inside of the wall, like they had been attached to it for so long that they were becoming part of it. Their arms twisted out from the wall unevenly, twitching about. A dark substance oozed from the mortar, blending with the skin of the figure. 

“Ooohh!” Their voice emerged from a darkened, ghastly mouth. It sounded distorted, echoey, and dark. “Laaadybug! I’m so honored to finally meeeet you!” 

“W-who are you?!” Ladybug blurted, fighting the urge to scream. 

“OH, my deeear Ladybug, you and I are just alike! We do sooo much hard work and no one EVER appreciates it!” the wall sang. 

Ladybug stiffened her upper lip, “If you wanted to support me, why did you hurt my friends?!”

“YouR FRIENDs?! I didn’t hurt yoUr friends, your friends hurt YOU! Isn’t it CRUel? No one loves us! Why can’t we have REal friends, or maybe a loving special-someone? We need someone who will meet all of our needs in juST the way we want, otherwise TO HELL WITH THEM ALL!” the wall laughed grotesquely. 

Ladybug scowled, “You and I are _nothing_ alike. I don’t know about you, but I _do_ have loving friends, and wouldn’t trade them off for anything. We aren’t going to get along all the time but that’s part of love, and you just have to _deal_ with it, or no one will ever want to go near you!” she cringed at the black liquid that dripped from the wall’s mouth. 

The wall screeched, “You’re in deniAL!”

She sighed, “You’re not in your best mind, I’ll free you of your akuma and I promise I’ll help you through this.”

  
  
“Akuma?” the wall scoffed, “I’m not akumatized! It’s the wooRld that’s evil!”

Ladybug shook her head, “How can you see the world if you refuse to budge from this spot?” she turned to Chat Noir, who was picking at his claws, “come on, Chat, let’s stop this poison-spitter once and for all.” 

Chat Noir pursed his lips, “I dunno, Bug, they don't seem like they want to hurt you… so we don’t really have anyone to stop. They aren’t hurting anyone else I care about.” 

“I hope what you mean is that you have no personal connection that could help you stop this person once and for all, so we can only take them down as an akuma and not as an individual…”

  
  
“Nope, I meant… screw everybody, y’know?”

  
  
The wall laughed, “Fool, this veeery house I leech off of is Ladybug’s!” 

Chat Noir’s jaw dropped, “Ladybug… is Marinette?! Huh… that’s not what I hoped for, don’t know what I expected though.”

  
  
Ladybug flinched, staring at Chat Noir’s dejected expression. She shook her head, “This… this is all an illusion! I won’t let this get to me...”

She charged toward the wall, throwing her yo-yo around it. Ladybug knew exactly where the akuma was. “You need to learn the difference between being hurt and being betrayed, and as a fan, you betrayed me!’ 

“You caaan’t end me, Ladyyybug! I’m your home, I’m your proootector! What I did to your friENDS was to help you realiize their truE colors, and maKe it eeasier for you to let them goo.” 

“You’ve destroyed my life!”

  
  
The wall frowned, “Theen… I’ll deestrooy you too!”

  
  
Ladybug smirked, “You can devour your pray, you can poison a cat…” she tightened the grip of the yo-yo, causing the wall to panic, “but the shell over my wings is too strong for your jaws, and _I’ve_ got poison of my own!” 

With one quick movement, the bricks around the akuma were crushed by Ladybug’s yo-yo, throwing the victim to the ground in a burst of dark venom. A purple butterfly fluttered from the debris, which Ladybug immediately caught. 

She stared at the purple cloud around the akumatized victim, waiting for her to heal Paris. “I guess the only Lucky Charm I needed today was the memory of the people I miss, and--” she looked over at Chat Noir, who was lying unconscious on the ground, “--even as a complete asshole, you helped me find the akuma… so you were my Lucky Charm for today. Though,” she chuckled, “it helps that I was fighting an unsupported brick wall.” 

With nothing to throw into the sky, Ladybug launched her yo-yo upward and recited her usual magic words. 

As soon as the ladybugs had cleared, she ran up to Chat Noir. “Chat Noir, are you OK?! Do you remember who I am?!” 

Chat Noir groaned, opening his eyes, “You… you’re… Ladybug?”   
  
Ladybug hugged him to her chest, trembling slightly, “I’m so glad this whole mess is over, I missed you, Kitty!” 

He blinked, slowly raising his hand to the small of her back, “What happened? Why are you holding me so tightly?” 

“Well, don’t you like it when I hold you close?” Ladybug smiled. Part of her couldn’t shake the memory of the fake Chat Noir that would try to take advantage of her, or say something perverted. 

“I, uh…” his face glowed red, “I mean… is ‘yes’ the correct answer? Eheheheh...” 

Ladybug hugged him tighter, “ _You’re_ the correct answer.” 

Chat Noir’s eyes glimmered, “Did… did I die or something?” 

She ran her fingers through Chat’s hair and kissed his forehead, “It sure felt like you did.”   
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Whoop, it's almost as if there are stories out there that are as twisted and salty as a pretzel, and whose targeted characters are as horrific and lifeless as animatronics with the souls of dead children :))))


End file.
